10/14/2019 Week 5: Response to Social Paradigms

Hello everyone,

This week I learned more about cultural paradigms. I thought it was a great video and presentation done by Dean Ivers at BYU-Idaho in 2013. I provided a link to it below. 

As you may know or not, I live in South Korea. I am married to a Korean girl and have half American/Korean daughters. I teach English here while I am finishing up my Bachelors. We have been here for a year and a half and before that we lived her for six months and then visited for two. So, I have a little over two years’ experience of what it means to live in Korea. Many people have come here to serve missions, and while I do count that for experience, I do not count it that much. Being a missionary means you have rules and responsibility outside of just trying to live with a different culture. You are not able to really see or interact with real Koreans as you are always trying to teach the gospel to them. I can say this because people who have served here have said the same things, and they always say that they want to come back and get the real experience of living or being here.

Well, today I want to share a story about my cultural paradigms and how I found out that I had them. One time when my wife and I were newly married and living in Korea we were riding the bus back from our job. We both taught at my wife’s uncles’ school. We were both tired and being cranky. We were talking about something that had happened that day and we were being grumpy. A Korean man thought I was an American bothering a Korean girl on the bus. He began to curse at me in English. Now, you see I was pretty much just out of the military and I have had my fair share of cursing done, but this guy was off the chart. I turned around and asked him first how he knew English. That disarmed him a little but not by much. In the military I had been trained to approach situations based on rules, rules that taught me how to handle intense situations with a clear head. So, I tried to verbally disengage him and bring him down. My wife interjected and said I was her husband and that changed the game. He then quickly apologized and offered his reasons for what he did, I found those reasons unjustified because I was not hassling my wife, but I suppose he could have seen it that way because I was sitting next to her and being animated with my speaking. So, this guy started saying apologies and then offered to buy me a drink to smooth the water. He wanted to take me to a bar and just talk about it all. I told him no, that I did not drink alcohol. This set him off again and at that point I did what I felt was right and I will leave it at that. A few years later we went again to Korea to visit. My wife recounted this story to her mom and her husband. Her husband drank on occasion and he laughed when he heard the story. I was a little confused by that, he told us that in Korea because that man had made a mistake, he was offering to buy me drinks as a formal way of making an apology and also as a way to mend or bond over what had happened. My refusal was interpreted as my refusal to forgive him and move on and try to accept and solve the grievance. I was denying him his chance to show his sincere sorrow to me, is what my father in law said. I am not sure how true that is, but it sounds about right. Koreans are heavy social drinkers and a lot of their relationship with others is based off the consumption of alcohol in public places. So, I was telling this guy to get lost and I don’t forgive you, but I was not saying that it all. In America if I don’t want to drink it would not offend anyone. They would just be like okay; I know that from a lot of experience. So our cultural paradigms were too different and it caused an embarrassing situation, that could have been avoided had I just said, oh I forgive you, but my religion and my beliefs keep me from drinking alcohol, but I do appreciate your willingness to make this right. It would have been much more pleasant than what actually happened. But I hope you all can learn from my mistake, and always be kind even if you have to decline!

Brother Ivers BYUI 2013